We’ve all heard of the fight and flight stress responses. If you’ve been reading our blog for a while, you might even be familiar with the freeze response. But did you know that there’s a fourth, often unrecognized stress response? The fawn response is a common, but often socially invisible response to stress.
What Is the Fawn Response?
When faced with a perceived threat, our bodies need to act fast to keep us safe. The fawn response is a survival mechanism whereby a person manages a perceived threat by becoming agreeable, accommodating, and intensely focused on keeping others comfortable. Outside observers may see someone acting as a good host, or being generously flexible, but on the inside, the person enacting the fawn response is experiencing constant anxiety, and is spending an incredible amount of energy focusing on others, wondering if they’re doing enough to keep the peace.
Where It Comes From
The fawn response can often be traced to childhood. In households with high conflict, or where conflict feels particularly dangerous, children learn that the best path to safety is to keep everyone calm. As this pattern continues, the child’s nervous system learns a lesson: I’ll stay safe as long as I make sure everyone around me is okay. But as circumstances change, and children move into adulthood, the lesson isn’t unlearned. Whether it’s at work, school, or in an intimate relationship, the fawn response continues to be utilized.
What It Looks Like in Daily Life
The fawn response can be easy to miss because it tends to be rewarded socially. People who fawn are often described as easy-going, selfless, or low-maintenance. But underneath, some recognizable patterns include:
- Difficulty saying no, even when you want to
- Apologizing frequently, including for things that aren’t your fault
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
- Agreeing in the moment and feeling resentment later
- Losing track of your own preferences, opinions, or needs in relationships
- Feeling anxious or guilty when someone is displeased with you, even mildly
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation having agreed to something you didn’t want and wondered why you couldn’t just speak up, it may be worth reflecting on why that happened, and whether you may have been fawning.
It’s Not Who You Are, It’s What You Learned
Crucial to understanding the fawn response is recognizing that it’s a learned protective strategy, not a personality type. People who fawn often face legitimate challenges with setting boundaries, indecisiveness, and harbouring resentment in relationships. Acknowledging that fawning is something that may have once felt like a vital tool to stay safe, but is now a roadblock to living the life you want is an important first step.
If learning about the fawn response feels like putting a name on something you’ve been experiencing your whole life, it’s important to know that there are positive steps you can take to move beyond it. As mentioned above, the first step is acknowledgement. Having a basic understanding of what you’re experiencing, and why it happens can be hugely beneficial. It’s also valuable to notice patterns. Whether they’re feelings or physiological symptoms, it’s helpful to know what fawning looks and feels like for you. But if you’re feeling stuck, or you want someone to help guide you through the journey, don’t hesitate to reach out to us. We’re here to help.